What Can America Do for You?

America is the third largest country in the world and the very richest. More people apply for entry here each year than they do to all the other 194 countries in the world combined. America started the United Nations and is its largest contributor. America is also the major force in NATO and in the World Bank, which distributes money from the richest countries to the poorest. America also has the largest and best trained and equipped armed forces.

So what can America do for you?

Was there a natural disaster in your country as we saw in the Japan, the Philippines and Indonesia? Do you want America to send money and aid? Was there a mining disaster? Do you want America to send technical assistance?

Are the angry mobs in your country calling for the ouster of your leader as has happened recently in Yemen, Libya, Egypt, Syria, Egypt again and Tunisia? Do you want America to provide military assistance? We know you never meant “Death to America” when you yelled it in the streets. And after we help you, we will not mind if you repeat your old slogan. We know that we are not perfect no matter how hard we try.

Does your country fear invasion by another as is happening now in the Ukraine and happened 23 years ago in Kuwait? Should we intervene? Is one of your religious sects trying to destroy another causing a civil war? Do you want us to take sides - yours? Is a radical religious group trying to force its wicked ideology on your people as it is in Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, Yemen Nigeria, Darfur and Afghanistan? Is American military assistance needed?

Are two neighbors fighting each other because one wants the other to not exist while the other fights to survive? Is it America’s responsibility to settle the dispute by offering more foreign aid?

Are the people in your country no longer able to stand living in their beloved homeland because of all the poverty, violence, pollution and corruption there? Should all the poor and huddled masses come to America? The poem on the Statue of Liberty seems to offer an invitation, surely this young poet’s message must be America’s obligation. Our almost 40 million poor Americans are more than happy to be joined by millions of needy from foreign lands. We all love diversity.We're dying for it.

Is there a health crises in your homeland like Ebola or AIDs in Africa? Can America find and provide a cure? Should we send in troops and health workers to assist while risking their lives in the effort?

Do our many friends and allies need military protection from enemies from long ago? Does South Korea still need 30,00 American troops there for 60 years after the Korean War? Does Europe need American military bases in its many countries to continue to protect against a possible invasion by the Soviet Union that no longer exists? What’s $100 billion a year among friends?

But what about helping Americans? How can America help its own people?

Does your business need to pay its workers the minimum possible wage? No problem. The government can subsidize the employee and you by providing them Earned Income Credit, SNAP, housing and utilities subsidies, and free school breakfast and lunch programs for the children.

Are your banks struggling to make billions of dollars in profits each year? The Fed can lend you money at no interest so you can afford to lend it to your customers for as much as 25% interest. Why should your bank account holders get more than .1% return on their savings? You need the money more than they do - big bonuses and higher dividends need to be paid. 

Has anything terrible happened to a family member? Were any victims of a terrorist attack? Was it an air or rail-caused fatality?  The government can compensate you for your loss if there is no other deep pockets party to file a claim against. Did you lose property because of a storm in an area very vulnerable to weather conditions? Did you not have insurance for this natural disaster? The American government will cover your losses.

And if you and a mob of others are upset about something you heard about in your area, no matter how incorrect, the police will stand by as you riot in the streets, block traffic, chant obscenities and loot businesses. They will not interfere because they want you to express your First Amendment rights disregarding the fact that the amendment only covers peaceful demonstrations, not riots by angry and usually misinformed mobs.

Did you go to a college you could not afford causing you to rack up huge debt? It’s been a year now since you left school and you still owe the money as do many others. If you do pay it back, you will have less money to spend on other things like a new car or a nice vacation. Wouldn’t it make more sense for the government to bail out this trillion dollars worth of student debt? Isn’t that what you’d like? Better yet, can’t all college education be free. A lot more money could then be spent on goods and services.  Aren’t we all entitled to a free college education?

Did you borrow too much against your home over the years until you owed more than the collateral was worth when real estate values declined? Do you want the government to get the banks to lower the amount of your debt because the value of your collateral has decreased through no fault of your own?

Have you committed a terrible crime but did not put away enough money to cover your defense? No problem. The government will provide you with excellent legal defense and you will never be billed for it. This offer is also good for foreign terrorists who commit heinous crimes against this country. Surely, they deserve the best defense American tax dollars can buy. It seems like the least we owe these people.

America is here to help.