Addressing Our Regrets

I recently spoke with an old friend who shared some of his latest regrets, making several assumptions about his past behavior that led him to believe that he had erred in very important ways. His thoughts about missed opportunities and poor decisions were haunting him.  I tried to dispel the feelings and the thoughts behind them.

It made me think more about regret which is so linked to self-doubt.  As we spoke, I remembered some of my past possible regrets that I never really indulged.

I probably should have not left military school before graduating, not that I was given any choice. My father was tired of paying all that money since I was 12.  I ended up graduating a year early at a coed boarding school in the Arizona desert where I had the time of my life.  Instead of going on to Harvard after graduating from military school, as was planned, I went on to a state university near the high school from which I graduated. Perhaps I should have left the desert.

Should I regret what I did?

Years later, after a long on and off relationship, I decided not to marry the woman who was then the love of my life. She lived in a different world. It would never have worked. She got married, had two sons, became an alcoholic and committed suicide when she was in her 40’s.  Perhaps, if I had married her, it would have worked out somehow and she would still be with us. 

Should I regret what I didn’t do?

So what’s the point of regret?  I think that part of it is taking responsibility for our actions and making amends for past mistakes, if possible. Regret should make us take a second look at the processes we use to make decisions. But they should not make us doubt ourselves.

Regret can motivate us to be more careful or thoughtful in the future and in that sense regret can be helpful.  But I have come to believe that carrying regret past its usefulness can be very destructive. If we are thinking about the past and feeling bad about it and ourselves, then we are not able to give our full attention to the present.  Our inattention will lead us to do more things that we regret which will further erode our self confidence into self doubt making us less likely to succeed in the future.

 I have come up with a few remedies for this malady.

First, we can realize that we are doing the best that we can at every moment. This is not to say that we could not do better in the future or that we already haven’t in the past. It is just that we bring everything with us at each moment including past experiences and future expectations. We bring attitudes, knowledge, talents, understanding, biases and blind spots to every new situation. 

So even if a past action or decision appears to have been totally wrong based on what we know now, that is not how it appeared at the time to the person we were at that moment.

And at the same time we can remember that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes it is hard to know what was really lucky and what was unfortunate. I have come to believe that everything is evolving and so every situation leads us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

If I had stayed at military school, I would never had the first few great romances that I had in the desert.  I would never have experienced the beauty of Tucson.  If I had gone to Harvard,  I would not have had the life that I currently enjoy.  If I had married that great love, I would not have had the two daughters that my wife and I have shared as well as my simple lifestyle.

If on the other hand I had done something terrible, I should have regret.  I should admit my fault, apologize where appropriate and do what I can to make amends. If it was bad enough, it could serve as a daily reminder to not repeat the transgression and maybe will even serve as a reason to do more for others to make up for the “sin.”

I think that if I were one of the monsters from the previous President’s administration, guilty of almost destroying this country, I would feel deep regret every moment of each day to the point that I could hardly eat or sleep. I would regret deceiving 300 million countrymen about the need to invade Iraq.  I would regret the loss of thousands of our sons and daughters in this combat and the loss of the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who died prematurely because of this invasion.  I would regret the trillions of taxpayer dollars that will have been wasted on this conflict.  I would pray every day that I could be forgiven for the terrible things I did while entrusted to lead and protect the American people.

But the irony is that these folks probably feel no guilt for what they did and failed to do. They will learn soon a deeper form of regret also known as “very bad karma.”

But if I had been the only victim of my transgression, I should forgive myself my trespasses, promise to learn my lesson and move on.

That’s what I’m hoping my friend can do but I regret to say that I doubt that he will. He probably won’t even read this column.

Oh great, now I’m doing it.